My Own Story (a short version)

I often like to inquire with others about their beliefs and the foundation of their faith, if they profess any.  I find value in what they say.  I believe it helps open up mutually beneficial conversation.  I learn things from people, and I hope that they'll want to hear from me, because after being given so much from God I certainly have things to share.  The other day, someone in a video comments section asked me about my own experiences.  They didn't ask specifics, so I have to summarize a bit.  I doubt that anyone will ever want to read a full biography that would be drastically longer, but here's a short version of my history with my religious faith and knowledge:

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My parents were divorced when I was three years old.  I was baptized at the standard age of eight years old.  As I grew up, I had many positive (if probably very typical) experiences with the Church, including study, friendship, and service opportunities.  Another part of being in the Church was commonly eating food from the Bishop's Storehouse that my mother didn't have to pay for.  When I got older and went off to college, I got a bit lazy when it came to religion.  For example, sometimes I just didn't go to church on Sundays, for no particular reason.  All young latter-day saint men were expected to serve as missionaries upon turning nineteen, but as I thought about it, I knew I didn't want to go just because other people expected me to.  So I went back to college for another year, and then began to serve.  I also began to want more of a relationship with my father, and at my request he supported me financially when I left to serve as a full-time missionary.

Both before and after my missionary service, at times I came across information about Church procedures or Church history, perhaps relating to individual leaders, that seemed strange.  Broadly speaking, I found a way to be patient with not completely understanding some things immediately.  One morning, when I was 18 or 19 and I was playing hymns on the piano in an empty classroom in the Institute of Religion at the college, some words in the second verse of "Be Still, My Soul" really struck me: "Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake / To guide the future as He has the past. / Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake / All now mysterious shall be bright at last."  As the years have passed, I've had opportunities here and there to learn more or gain better insights from people who have shared them with me, and many things that felt mysterious or strange before turned out to not be worrisome at all.  When dealing with information from opponents of the Church, I also realized that, at least partially because they don't have the Church's best interests in mind, they sometimes promote information that is partially or wholly untrue, but even when only relying on reliable facts they frequently choose the worst possible conclusion from available data instead of the best possible conclusion.  I have found that while seeking truth and answers to questions, sometimes it comes quickly and sometimes not, but I always eventually learn more and I find great reason to trust what God has given me.

Trust in God is one of the great life lessons I learned as a missionary, but I also became much more able to recognize God's influence in my life, particularly through the Holy Ghost.  When at the missionary training center, our teachers (former missionaries themselves) taught us about how important it was to help people to recognize the Holy Ghost as we taught them.  I remember struggling with this; I wasn't sure that I knew how to do this.  I asked one of my teachers about it, and he suggested that because I had grown up with the Church, perhaps I was accustomed to it so much that I sometimes took it for granted.  He spoke to reassure me, and I wasn't fully satisfied, but I hoped to figure it out.  Several days later, as I was being taught again by a different teacher, I thought to myself, "The Spirit of God is very strong here today."  And then I realized what I had just done; I had listened to God in my heart and felt Him there, and recognized it.  As I did so, I realized that it was indeed something I had felt and known many times in my life.  I then gladly taught others about it and have enjoyed God's joy and peace not only during my mission but also many, many times since.

I will share one particular experience I had with the Holy Ghost during my mission.  I lived and taught in the city of Yamoussoukro for five months.  One day, while walking through a corridor of a housing area, I looked to the side and noticed one of the housing units and its number.  (I think it was 157 or 152, but it's been two decades ago and I don't have a great memory.)  That was all, at first; I just noticed it.  Some time later--maybe a few days or weeks--my companion and I had some time available in the evening, and he asked me what I thought we should do.  I mentioned the door I'd seen before and suggested that we could visit the people who lived there.  So we did.  Either that evening or upon making an appointment and returning (I don't remember which), we were greeted by the couple who lived there and we taught the first missionary lesson to them.  The husband was somehow employed by a local church and accommodated us more out of patient courtesy than anything else, and in the end didn't seem particularly interested.  I imagine that he later discouraged his wife; in any event, we didn't end up teaching them further and I don't know the end of her story.  But I do remember very well what happened during the lesson.  We spoke of God, of Jesus Christ, of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, and then of the Holy Ghost.  After teaching, I turned to the woman and asked her (in French, the local national language), "What do you feel right now?"  She paused, with an almost troubled or slightly perplexed look on her face, and I asked her again, "What do you feel inside right now?"  With little more pause, she answered with these exact words: "La joie du cœur."  Translated into English, that means, "joy of heart."  Her husband looked directly at her with evident surprise.  I don't think she was even literate, but she knew what she felt inside.  I told her it was the Holy Ghost, and I knew that she knew that we had spoken truth from God.

One other major life lesson I learned as a missionary was that God is merciful.  I have long considered myself the most blessed person I know, and I realize that while I've tried to do good things in life, nothing I've done could merit the many blessings I've received.  I'm blessed far beyond what I feel I deserve by my own worthiness.

In the decades following my mission, I've had a great many other experiences that continue to shape my faith and knowledge.  I've seen other people grow in faith or abandon faith, I've seen people die, I've witnessed the Church as a worldwide body with the same spirit of fellowship and Spirit of God everywhere, I've had glimpses into Church administration, and I've learned more about Church history.  I have had very difficult trials that would require much more space to write about.  I've been blessed to know many disciples of Christ and many other good people across the United States and the world; I've been served by them and I've done what I could to serve them.  I've seen the Church help people with material needs, and I've been blessed to be able to give now instead of receiving.  I have had witness after witness from God about the truth of the gospel and his desire for me to participate in His Church, despite my many failings and the many failings I've witnessed in other people even as we try to follow our Savior.  I have hoped to be of service to the people around me and I've certainly hoped to show love in everything I do.  I think I'm learning that love better; it sure means a lot to me to learn it.  I am happy to extend an offer of support to anyone, and if you ever think I can help you in any way, whether to answer questions or even just as a listening ear.  If I were without you in person, I would offer a hug also, but alas, that's not possible over the Internet.  But I hope you know that I find myself with the best of reasons to follow the two great commandments, and though I can't express it as perfectly as God can, I am happy to say that I love you, and I hope that you seek and receive God's greatest blessings.

Last thoughts for now:
To anyone who ever cares enough to read these things, please know that I share them with the utmost sincerity and a real, if imperfect, desire to share truth and love.  Reach out to me any time, and as a disciple of Christ, I will reach back out to you.

With Angel Eyes (Fiction)

The following is pure speculative fiction.  I wrote it a while back and figured it would be good to put here, even though the format is entirely different from my normal blog writing.  I don't claim to have had any experience with this sort of thing, but the narrative illustrates some ideas that make sense to me.

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With Angel Eyes

Mason watched people moving to and fro, performing everyday tasks while oblivious to his presence and also to the presence of Grant and the other, more distant disembodied spirits.  “I always assumed that it was like this, but it’s unsettling to realize it, to think back on the many things I did that…well, that I wouldn’t have done if I’d realized how many people could see.”

Grant nodded.  “Of course, whether or not someone can see what we’re doing shouldn’t be our motivation to eschew evil and pursue righteous goals.  It’s actually better for us that we aren’t aware of those who observe our mortal experiences, because it allows us to choose righteousness for the sake of righteousness, or for the sake of our acknowledgement of the Atonement of Christ.  So, the physical limitation, our inability to see things with spiritual eyes, actually helps.

“However, remember that those who can observe you don’t want to revel in your unrighteous choices.  So, while our unrighteous actions are still observable, they are generally less observed.  That same limitation that you’ve been used to also has largely hidden something about your own nature.  Look at these people.  Do you see that some shine brighter than others?”

Mason looked at the people everywhere, and for the first time he paid attention to the way that they glowed.  Indeed, some glowed brightly, while others were dim.  “Yes…why is that?”

“I’m sure you can tell me if you think about it.”

“Well, I always understood that when we were judged, we would have more glory if we were more righteous.”

Grant nodded again, smiling.  “Exactly.  So why would we not also have more glory and brightness before our final judgment?  And let me ask you this: where does the light come from?”

Mason had to think for a moment; Grant let him.  Mason finally replied: “From God.  We shine with the light from God.”

“Right again.  Inasmuch as we allow ourselves to reflect the light of truth from God’s Spirit, His light shines forth from us.  It’s always like that, though to mortal eyes it’s often quite hard to discern.  If you think back, though, I’m sure you can remember times when, for no reason that was evident, someone looked different, brighter in some way, and you could tell that he or she was a faithful disciple of Christ.”

Mason looked again at the people, going about their business in the simple ways he had done so often himself.  “Yes, I do remember times like that.  In fact, after a certain lesson from a seminary teacher I had really hoped to give other people the same impression, or rather, just to shine so that they would want to follow Jesus Christ.”

“Good!  That’s the right idea.”

Mason looked at his own spirit-matter hand.  “I’m relieved to see some light in myself.”

“Surely.  And you can take it as a good sign that you’re here associating with someone else who also bears the light of truth.  But we were speaking, before, about others observing our actions.  Like I said, while our unrighteous acts are observable, they are generally less observed.  When we engage in unrighteous behavior, we inherently shield ourselves from the influence of the Holy Ghost, thus reducing the light around us.”

“So when we’re bad we can’t be seen?”

“No, no, it takes a lot of evil to completely block out the influence of God in our lives, and even then we’re still visible, but it’s more a matter of focus.  Those of us who are observing are naturally inclined to observe those who are shining brightly and turn our attention easily away from darkness.  As a person’s light dims because of wickedness, only their personal angels stay with them to help.  When you sin more seriously and the truth becomes dim around you, only those who really are concerned stay near and watch over you.”

Mason became uncomfortable again.  “So for my bigger mistakes, people were probably still watching.  Maybe someone like my grandpa?”

“Perhaps.”

“I hate that.  I hate knowing that someone else knows what I’ve done.  When it was wrong, I mean.”

“Of course.  Shame is natural and can be very helpful.  Don’t worry about other people knowing, though; it’s better for key individuals to know now than to have your sins proclaimed from the rooftops to the whole world later, and the people who watch over you from above are those who really love you anyway.  They forgive you and still have faith in you.”

Mason lowered his head.  “If I knew, I mean really knew, how things were, I know I wouldn’t have done some of the dumb things that I did.”

“Ah, naturally.  But if we had a full knowledge from the beginning, it wouldn’t be a test, would it?  We wouldn’t really be able to learn and grow.”

“I guess I feel like it would be helpful to have this kind of perspective in order to do the learning.”

“I can see why you’d think so, but if you take a bit of time to observe people you’ll find that simply being told a truth isn’t enough to make it powerful in our lives.  In fact, depending on our dispositions, we can very easily blind ourselves to things that ought to be obvious.  Too much information all at once isn’t helpful either, and while you have some extra perspective here, you’re faced with different limitations.  Consider, for example, sacrifice.  Though it’s an incredibly important principle of the Gospel, it’s quite difficult to practice here.  How do you expect to learn the benefit of fasting and giving of your substance to others, when you don’t have much in the way of substance?  There’s really not much that you can learn here that you can’t learn in a mortal experience, and there, you can actually learn most things more fully than you can here.”

They were both silent for a moment before Grant spoke again.  “Come with me.  I’d like to show you something.”

Grant took his hand and began walking, and Mason felt that they were moving very quickly.  When they were still again, Mason found himself in a place he didn’t recognize.  It was a bustling city.

“Look around,” Grant said, “and tell me who those two people are.”

It didn’t take Mason long at all to identify the two people of whom Grant was speaking, for while the crowd of people all around generally only dimly reflected the light of the Holy Ghost, these two particular souls, well-dressed young men shone with a radiance.  Mason figured that there was a natural explanation for this—two young men, walking together and casting light before them.  “Missionaries,” he said.  “They’ve got to be missionaries.”

“They are indeed.”  Grant acknowledged.  “When it comes to light and shining truth, they’re some of the most satisfying to watch.  When the people they teach listen to the Holy Ghost, the light from the missionaries shines out and brightens them as well.  There are other ways by which a given person’s light quickly increases, but the teaching of missionaries is one of the better ways.”

Mason lifted his head and peered toward them.  “Are we going to see that today?”

“These two are pretty reliable, so I wouldn’t be surprised.”

They observed quietly for a brief while, and it gave Mason time to think.  One idea gently nagged him, though he was reluctant to speak it.  “Grant, you said that people don’t get as much attention from angelic observers when they sin,” (and Grant nodded encouragingly,) “but at other times, you do, ah, give people their privacy, right?  Like newlyweds?”

Grant laughed.  “Yes, of course.  Just as we can quickly turn our attention away from the darkness of sin, we are selective about other things as well.  Sacred events are universally considered to by ‘by invitation only’, and something as immeasurably sacred as the physical intimacy of a husband and wife is no one’s business but their own.  It’s quite instinctive to find another place to be, and surprisingly easy to sense when they no longer require privacy.  We’re neither curious about it nor carnal, so it’s not a concern.”

Mason looked down and raised his eyebrows.  “Huh.  Good.  Well, I’d expect things to make sense like that, but I’m glad to hear it.”

Grant still wore a mild smile.  “Though, to bring perspective, those of us that no longer have bodies also don’t get embarrassed like we used to.”

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A Personal Testimony of My Mission

I just heard an older couple (on the Mormon Channel--internet radio) describe the moment when they opened their mission call. It reminded me of that moment for me.

I was at Snow College, and I had let the post office know that it was coming and to watch for it (which they did). One morning, I was speaking to my mother on the phone (perhaps around 7:00 or 8:00), and when I hung up, I got a call from the post office. My mission call had arrived. I went to get it and returned. I called my mom back and let her know. She was excited. I began to read the letter.

I've long since laid little emphasis on where a missionary is called to serve. It's just not that important, really. It's interesting, but not important, because missionary work is the same work anywhere (though admittedly with fewer baptisms in some missions). When I ask someone who has just received a mission call about it, rather than ask where they are going, I ask how they felt.

As I read to my mother that I had been called to the Ivory Coast Abidjan Mission, I knew it was right. I knew it because of how I felt. It wasn't a powerful or overwhelming feeling, but instead very simple. It simply struck me as entirely natural. It was a feeling of, Yes, that's it. That's my mission. And that's all. While being so simple, it was also encouraging and exciting.

I don't think I even knew where the Ivory Coast was.

As I served there, I had times of weakness and times of strength. When I succeeded, and in the particular ways I was positioned by Heavenly Father to serve, I was certain that He had called me there to act in a role suited to my own strengths. It was important for me to serve in ways I could not have known beforehand. Sure, the work would have gone on even if I'd never been a missionary, but I was useful, genuinely useful, in advancing the work there in ways that others could not have been.

If we're faithful, we allow God to make us useful to Him, and that's about the best thing we can be.

Last thoughts for now: Even in a simple moment the Holy Ghost can testify to us. I've been very blessed to have had the opportunity to serve, and I am still blessed through service I am called to give. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and knows what I can do. I know that He loves me and wants me to receive the great joy that comes through service.