A Bit of Good Advice for a Successful Marriage

Sometime when I was newly married, when I was living in our first apartment, my father visited me and gave me two pieces of advice for having a successful marriage.  (It might have even been in the month before our marriage, before my wife moved in.)  Sadly, I don't remember the first of his suggestions, but I have always remembered the second.  He said:

"Always let your wife do what she wants with her hair."

That might sounds simple, but I think there's more to it than hairstyles.  It really strikes home with some, people, too; perhaps a year or so later I was in a marriage class at church and when we were asked about this subject (making marriage succeed) and I mentioned the advice my father gave me, one of the sisters in the front row responded with an energetic "Woohoo!" (or some similar exclamation).

I say that a woman ought to be entirely able to choose her hairstyle (including the length) for herself.  Sure, her husband will generally have preferences, and she ought to consider them, but the decision should be hers.  It's her body and her appearance; not only does she clearly have the greatest interest in her appearance, she is the only one with any real claim to control over it.

In past eras or other cultures, it might be highly normal for a husband to dictate certain things like his wife's hairstyle.  In the modern U.S. that kind of practice or attitude is surely less common, though (and this is mostly speculation) it might be more likely in the homes of some latter-day saints.  Members of the church are used to the idea of men being the leader in the home, responsible for guiding the family as the patriarch and priesthood holder.  There's justification for this way of living, and also some very clear warnings in Doctrine and Covenants Section 121:37 against "exercise[ing] control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness".

If my father's advice sounds to any women out there like something to celebrate, it's an indication that some husbands are exceeding the proper bounds of their decision-making authority.  There are times when it's important for a husband and father to seek out revelation for his family, and times when he should express conviction related to what his family should do, but there are also times when his wife's decisions are personal and he should not try to interfere.  If a wife feels like her husband is being domineering, he should genuinely listen to and consider her complaint, and if he's compelling her to the point where she doesn't feel like she's able to make any personal decisions for herself, it's basically a guarantee that he's doing things wrong in a way that is depriving them both of a lot of happiness.

Granted, a wife can definitely be the domineering spouse within a marriage, but in those cases it's the exception to the typical cultural phenomenon for Church members.

Last thoughts for now:
I don't want to focus on the negative side of this, and I would hate to give the impression that domineering spouses are more prevalent than they really are.  I do think it's important to remember the sentiment behind my father's advice.  We ought to respect our husbands and wives and their God-given agency.
(Also, as a side note, my wife does listen to my preferences for her hair and, while she is totally free to choose her hairstyle and length, she has never chosen something that I would dislike.  And she's beautiful.)

The Sacrament and the Gospel

While the sacrament is being administered to us, I generally whisper to one of my children (whichever is closest to me at the time) to ask them about the meaning of the sacrament and explain as necessary.  It makes for a lot of repetition, but I really want them to understand the importance and meaning of the covenant.  They know that when they're eight years old they'll be baptized, and then they'll start taking the sacrament each week also.  (Right now they don't; I don't want them to be taking the bread and water out of habit only, but rather to meaningfully renew covenants as they eat and drink.)

On another topic:

When we used to teach people about the Gospel of Jesus Christ as missionaries, and as I've taught and been taught many times since, some central ideas about the Atonement of Jesus Christ are that He overcame two major obstacles for us: physical death ("the grave") and spiritual death("hell").  Because of the Fall we are mortal and subject to physical death, at which time our spirits will lose the marvelous bodies that God has given us.  Also, with our moral agency we are free to choose our actions, and we all will make choices that separate us from God (and thus causing spiritual death).  Jesus suffered for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffering such pain that He bled from the pores of His skin.  He then died and was later resurrected.

Perhaps the connection is already obvious in stating this much.  In any case, here's what my whispered conversation with my kids tends to sound like:

Daddy: "Why do we take the sacrament?"

Child: (waits)

Daddy: "We take the sacrament to renew our covenants.  We make promises to Heavenly Father when we're baptized.  We covenant to be like Jesus, to take His name upon us, and to obey the commandments.  What does the bread remind us of?"

Child: "Jesus' body."

Daddy: "Yes.  Because Jesus died, and his body went in a tomb for three days.  What happened then?"

Child: "He was resurrected."

Daddy: "That's right, and because He was resurrected, we all will be, too."

As the water is being administered:

Daddy: "What does the water remind us of?"

Child: "Jesus' blood."

Daddy: "Yes, because Jesus paid for our sins and it hurt Him so much that he bled.  Because He paid for our sins, we can all repent and live with our Heavenly Father again."

I don't think I've ever heard anyone teach that the sacrament is directly related to Jesus' resurrection and His experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, but it makes sense to me that way.

Last thoughts for now:
I want my kids to be ready for baptism.  I want them to have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Just as elements of teachings in the temple are symbolic, the bread and water definitely are also.  Jesus is the bread of life and the water of life, He died and was resurrected so that we will be too, and He atoned for our sins so that we can repent and be forgiven.  All of us.

The Few That Are Chosen

There are several ways of making a particular distinction; that is, several different appellations: an elect people, a chosen people, a peculiar people.

Doesn't it seem strange to consider some people as "special"?  In principle, God loves us all, right?  And he's no respecter of persons?  Of course.  (Acts 10:34, Doctrine and Covenants 1:35, 38:16)  Then why and more importantly how are certain peoples distinguished in the eyes of the Lord?

I was reading to my children just now before they went to bed.  Because it's Sunday, we were reading from the scripture story picture books produced by the Church.  We read the story of the Jaredites.  Something struck me as interesting, especially in the abbreviated form.  While the Jaredites started out as a righteous people (or at least they were following a very righteous man--the brother of Jared), after they reach the promised land the next thing that happens is this: they become wicked.  Very wicked.  Wicked to the point of being destroyed (by themselves, in this case, but destroyed all the same).

This isn't really surprising, because there is already precedent.  Those of us with extended hindsight can see the same occurrence happening throughout scripture.  The first instance was with Adam and Eve, two of the most trusted of Heavenly Father's spirit children: a bulk of their children became so wicked that they merited destruction by flood.  Another easily remembered example comes from the people of Isreal after the Exodus.  They looked to a prophet for deliverance, trusted him enough to follow him out of Egypt, and received help from God in the form of many wonders, but then committed such abhorrent sins that they had to wander in the wilderness until that generation had died (40 years).

Another example is that of Lehi's family, though in their case it's more clear that the actions of a few people early on had a significant bad influence on their progeny.  In general, however, we see simply that civilizations often have a trend of becoming wicked even if they have the best starting conditions.  I know of only one exception; the city of Enoch was so righteous (a true Zion) that it was taken into heaven (see Moses 7:23).  Even the Nephites, after having had the wicked sifted out from among them through disaster and having received a visit from the resurrected Christ Himself, only maintained their righteousness for a couple of centuries.

Why does this happen?  Because we are granted the ability to exercise our own moral agency, and to maintain the standards of Zion requires full dedication, which most are not willing to give.  God knows that, given our agency, we will use it in different ways, and we're all going to use it poorly at times.  Individuals, families, and nations will often turn to wickedness.  I suppose that God could at a given moment get a report showing what percent of His children, after their final judgment, merited each kingdom; either way, He knows that some will inherit celestial glory, some will inherit terrestrial glory, some will inherit telestial glory, and some will inherit no glory at all.

While God knows we will sin, He has planned for us to succeed.  The key is that we have been provided with a Savior who has atoned for us all:
  "O how great the holiness‍ of our God! For he knoweth all‍ things, and there is not anything save he knows it.
  And he cometh into the world that he may save‍ all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains‍ of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam.
  And he suffereth this that the resurrection might pass upon all men, that all might stand before him at the great and judgment day.
  And he commandeth all men that they must repent, and be baptized‍ in his name, having perfect faith‍ in the Holy One of Israel, or they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God.
  And if they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name, and endure‍ to the end, they must be damned; for the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has spoken it." (2 Nephi 9:20-24)

How do we receive the grace of our Savior?  By making and keeping covenants.  Without them, human nature will lead us to error (or, put differently, "the natural man is an enemy to God"--Mosiah 3:19).  That's the distinguishing factor, and therein lies the "why" of the distinction as not just the "chosen people" or the "elect" but also as the "covenant people" of the Lord.  We are distinguished in that we are supposed to make a demonstrated willful act to show that we will follow the will of God through His plan.  Sure, we are still imperfect after making covenants; some of us will make mistakes and repent, and others will even fail to repent and lose their reward.  Thus, among the covenant people of God there can still be and sometimes are great problems, and we are ever in need of prophets and other leaders to guide, inspire, and encourage us.  But in each case of an "elect" people they have made covenants.  Even in the passage above we see a necessary covenant: baptism.  It is through baptism that we become the covenant people of the Lord, or, in other words, latter-day saints.

Last thoughts for now:
Making and keeping covenants is how we become the chosen people of God as members of His Church, and He has given us these covenants in order to allow us to be sanctified and justified and thus to fulfill His plan.  That's the "why"; that's why some are "chosen" despite the fact that we all invariably misuse our agency to some degree.  The beauty of it (and this is real beauty) is that "he cometh into the world that he may save‍ all men if they will hearken unto his voice".  We all can receive the greatest blessings of God if we are willing, and if we take care to keep our hearts set on the kingdom of God.  It is my goal to have such willingness in my heart.  It is my goal to encourage others to do the same.