A Bit of Good Advice for a Successful Marriage

Sometime when I was newly married, when I was living in our first apartment, my father visited me and gave me two pieces of advice for having a successful marriage.  (It might have even been in the month before our marriage, before my wife moved in.)  Sadly, I don't remember the first of his suggestions, but I have always remembered the second.  He said:

"Always let your wife do what she wants with her hair."

That might sounds simple, but I think there's more to it than hairstyles.  It really strikes home with some, people, too; perhaps a year or so later I was in a marriage class at church and when we were asked about this subject (making marriage succeed) and I mentioned the advice my father gave me, one of the sisters in the front row responded with an energetic "Woohoo!" (or some similar exclamation).

I say that a woman ought to be entirely able to choose her hairstyle (including the length) for herself.  Sure, her husband will generally have preferences, and she ought to consider them, but the decision should be hers.  It's her body and her appearance; not only does she clearly have the greatest interest in her appearance, she is the only one with any real claim to control over it.

In past eras or other cultures, it might be highly normal for a husband to dictate certain things like his wife's hairstyle.  In the modern U.S. that kind of practice or attitude is surely less common, though (and this is mostly speculation) it might be more likely in the homes of some latter-day saints.  Members of the church are used to the idea of men being the leader in the home, responsible for guiding the family as the patriarch and priesthood holder.  There's justification for this way of living, and also some very clear warnings in Doctrine and Covenants Section 121:37 against "exercise[ing] control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness".

If my father's advice sounds to any women out there like something to celebrate, it's an indication that some husbands are exceeding the proper bounds of their decision-making authority.  There are times when it's important for a husband and father to seek out revelation for his family, and times when he should express conviction related to what his family should do, but there are also times when his wife's decisions are personal and he should not try to interfere.  If a wife feels like her husband is being domineering, he should genuinely listen to and consider her complaint, and if he's compelling her to the point where she doesn't feel like she's able to make any personal decisions for herself, it's basically a guarantee that he's doing things wrong in a way that is depriving them both of a lot of happiness.

Granted, a wife can definitely be the domineering spouse within a marriage, but in those cases it's the exception to the typical cultural phenomenon for Church members.

Last thoughts for now:
I don't want to focus on the negative side of this, and I would hate to give the impression that domineering spouses are more prevalent than they really are.  I do think it's important to remember the sentiment behind my father's advice.  We ought to respect our husbands and wives and their God-given agency.
(Also, as a side note, my wife does listen to my preferences for her hair and, while she is totally free to choose her hairstyle and length, she has never chosen something that I would dislike.  And she's beautiful.)

The Most Important Human Link

The culminating ordinance of salvation is the sealing of a husband and wife.  As with previous ordinances such as baptism and the endowment, we make covenants as we receive this ordinance.  According to the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 131, verses 1-4, if we are to enter into the highest heaven in the Celestial Kingdom, we "must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]".

It's possible and common for children to be sealed to their parents, but I've been told and it makes sense to me that the most important sealing is that between husband and wife, and that when a son or daughter is sealed to their spouse that the new sealing takes precedence.

There are at least two reasons why a sealing to a husband or wife is the most important.  Firstly, as the aforementioned passage states, those who don't enter into that covenant with their spouse "cannot have an increase" because they cannot have spirit children.  Secondly, to be sealed to a spouse is to make a covenant; that covenant, like others we make, guides us and strengthens us.  That covenant defines our sealing in a way that is different than if we are "born in the covenant" to parents who are sealed or if we are sealed to them after birth.

The covenant of a temple marriage and sealing is also something that distinguishes the marriage from other common marriages, not only because it is eternal, but because of the nature of the covenant itself.  Rather than being just a contract between two people, a sealing is a covenant that two people each make with God.  The defining relationship is that between us and Heavenly Father.  This is important in that as we each draw nearer to God we will become closer to each other, like two lines meeting at a common point.

It is also vital to remember this when one spouse fails to stay on that path.  I have counseled friends to remember this principle: if we have been hurt by an unfaithful spouse we will do well to remember that the covenant whe made was with God, and that regardless of our spouse's actions, we are still obligated to live up to our covenants, and doing so includes loving and forgiving our spouse.

Last thoughts for now:
I hope that my wife will forgive me of my mistakes, and I intend to always forgive her as well.  I'm grateful for my covenants and particularly those I have made in the holy temple of God.  I hope for everyone to find the love of God as they follow His word and I hope for everyone to enter into the everlasting covenant of marriage.